Climax: Love, Pain and the Whole Damn thing!!

I understood that being in India was not going to help us in any way; I needed to get back to USA and get back at the earliest because she couldn’t come to Chennai due to some legal tangles and red tape. The distances were killing, for all the internet, web, and telephony nothing on earth could beat being next to each other. I used my contacts, my network to somehow get myself placed on a project in USA.

It was about 3 months since I had last seen her, life at the outside was going perfectly normal but the restlessness within was too much to take. People often talk about the conflicts of professional and personal lives but to me both were so intertwined and I needed one to reach out to the other. For once work was not all about money it was much more and beyond. Hanging out with friends often helped, the usual jokes, the fun and pranks but the void could never be filled.

And then one day I got the break, a project in very own Chicago through my old boss. He wanted to get onboard his trusted lieutenants. I packed my bags with an excited fervor as though I was a 7th grade boy going onboard a school tour. I landed up there and went to see her. She was just the same; I decided that this was it. She was the one for me, no more checking out or hitting upon others out there because she simply was all that I ever wanted.

More than a year has passed since I came on that trip to Chicago, in between I had to go back to Chennai due to my project getting scrapped and spend a few months in India. But our relationship has gone from strength to strength…I am a zillion times more in love with her than ever, as every day passes I realize how she has changed my life for good. I don’t know how long we can go on like this… What and where our futures are going to take us… My folks still don’t know about our relationship… I am not turning any younger by the day… …wish this moment would freeze…me…her and the solitude.

“every day I want to fly stay by my side….every day I want to dream stay by my side… …every morning I wish I could say…wish these moments would just stay…”.

She is right by my side as I sit here in San Jose this very moment (6:23 pm Saturday, November 22, 2008) and write this to the world. You may wonder why on earth this guy is putting all this on line, opening out to everybody, putting all at stake.

You may think what a loser...You may also have those long lists of questions that you are just waiting to shoot at me, given a chance. What is her name? Send me her picture? Is she part of your future? When are you going to tell your folks? What about her folks? When are you giving me an intro? …and what not..

So for once in life I will be honest...i will come out clean...i will share what I feel (a picture of hers taken last time I was in Chicago).

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Why so serioussssssssssssssssssssssss

Ohwww …ohwww…ohwwww Hold it…Hold it right there!!!!
Who else were you thinking of? Aint she pretty? Just can’t take my eyes of her ;-)

Ok, I know you feel cheated, you are angry, you are abusing me of the dirtiest words…you just wish if only I was there in front, you wud ve probably killed me for this. But let’s just sit back, relax and rewind this whole thing again.

That was one helluva con job which swept you off your feet, taking you on a joy ride of emotions, love, pain and the whole damn thing!!! And just for the sake of reassurances that this was not a story that ended abruptly because I didn’t have a glorified ending and it was indeed my love for “Heineken” that I expressed all through, let’s just put back those pieces together… starting from that very first moment in the Pub:

“I mean it was not like she was one of those perfect hour glass figures…she was wrapped in a strangers arms…the tables were cleared, the waiter was picking up the tip”

“Dressed in Olive Green, to me she seemed something of a bright red tulip from Holland” – Olive Green bottle, Brewed in Holland

“I am not sure if the whole world froze around at that time but she sure seemed frozen as I stood there looking at her.” – Of course cos she was in the freezer.

“We often used to hangout in the evenings, spending hours together.” – We still do :-)

“She used to wear this star shaped pendant and it was strange thought that I always spotted her turning up in green.” - Now you know the Red Star and why she always dressed Green!!

“She had this bubbly sparkle about her which was not just waiting to burst out.” – Obvious.

“I was very sure that there was no way folks were ever going to approve of our relationship” -Hahaha…they never would.

“She knew me inside out, had seen me in good and bad times, dark and bright moods.” - Very True.

“She couldn’t come to Chennai due to some legal tangles and red tape.” - Tamil Nadu Government doesn’t permit to sell Heineken Holding NV in Chennai. Damn it!!!

Did you realise she never spoke even a word to me...not even smile...it was "i" all along expressing what i felt... it all makes sense now???

Ladies and gentleman, welcome to Parallel Universe…
…where the obvious is not a “given”!!!

And until we meet next time, good morning, good evening and good night!
…oh my….I ran out of Heineken…let me go get it.
(And they lived happily ever after ;-))

* do share comments.

Part II: Love pain and the whole damn thing...

My work made me leave the shores of Marina and took me far and away to a place that I had only read, heard or seen on the television. A land that we all over the years have come to know as “The land of Opportunities”, United States of America. It was sixteen minutes past 3:00 in the afternoon as I looked out of the window of my flight BA 295, an airstrip of black concrete covered on either side by pearl white snow. We touched down, I took my first step out, Chicago welcomed me in all her beauty… and with her she brought a friend… a genuinely nice, warm human being I have known now for exactly 10 years and 2 days short of 3 months!

As we walked out to the parking lot with gentle flurries falling on us, went to his apartment, roamed around and till he dropped me back to catch my final flight to the Motown of Detroit, little did I realize in those moments that this journey would change my life in more ways than one.

Over the next few days…weeks… I got more and more engrossed with my work, a day would often start at 6:00 am with either a call back to the team at India or a business workshop with clients at GM University some 20 miles away, then trickle down to further meetings, documents, arguments, consensus and a disappointing lunch of salads or a bottle of Coke with a packet of chips squeezed in between. My principles of vegetarianism surely were not helping my cause, days typically ended late into the night with more conference calls and offshore politics.

There were no reasons to complaint, this was a life that I had very much “signed-up” for, I walked into all of this with both my eyes wide open. And then one day it all changed and life took an unexpected turn like a river down the slopes of a mighty mountain, a pleasant one at that.

As I walked through skyscrapers of groceries, clothes, household, electronics and what not at Costco (a Warehouse Giant) something made me tread back a few steps and look back little curiously. Who is that…seems familiar…where have I seen…oh damn the memory…think…think…think… oh god is it her?? No…phat came back the reply from the ever practical and unimaginative brain, ever ready to pour water on even the tiniest of sparks…sparks filled with hope, wishes, dreams and what not. In between all these truckload of confusing signals crisscrossing across the heart and the brain, the eyes searched for what the heart sought.

There she was, indeed her, all by herself… how on earth could I forget... dressed in Olive Green, to me she seemed something of a bright red tulip from Holland. Is this happening to me?? Why are you being nice all of a sudden? As I questioned god…there was nothing that could stop me at that moment from reaching out to her… no power no force. I walked up, we recognized each other instantaneously, and there was no need for introductions. For once words seemed irrelevant or let’s just say another one of those useless inventions, it was a different matter all together that I was neither comfortable nor at command with words.


It was one of those moments when you didn’t have to say anything, it was there for you to see, a silence that spoke. She was just the same, the same bundle of joy that I had missed tying myself onto. You could hear a soft track playing somewhere…somewhere deep within you…I am not sure if the whole world froze around at that time but she sure seemed frozen as I stood there looking at her.

We started meeting often thereafter, weeks became days and sometimes days became hours,she had just walked into my life in a poverty and crime stricken place and turned it into the paradise on earth. I thanked god, thanked Detroit, thanked my employer and would have probably thanked anyone who was willing to hear me out…may be go thank even a grizzly bear. Ahhhh…. now that was a little too much… ok no bears please!!

We often used to hangout in the evenings, spending hours together. There were no signs of boredom anymore; her company was pure bliss that only left me wanting more and more. She used to wear this star shaped pendant and it was strange thought that I always spotted her turning up in green, I never bothered asking, it just simply didn’t matter because every time I saw her she just swept me off my feet. She had this bubbly sparkle about her which was not just waiting to burst out with love but was also rubbing an effect on me. Those moments between us…it felt like sailing on shallow, silent waters with virtually nothing around as far as your eyes could see.

Time indeed flies and I failed to notice…failed to see it coming, I lost on the fact that I was on a business trip here and needed to get back home to India pretty much sooner. The mere thought of it disturbed me at length. I couldn’t take her along and even if I did I was very sure that there was no way folks were ever going to approve of our relationship. As my return date came closer the anxiety and the helplessness increased ten folds. But amidst all this turmoil, she always kept calm, reassuring as though every other day was like we had met for the first time.

She knew me inside out, had seen me in good and bad times, dark and bright moods. The best part about her was we never questioned each other, there were no explanations sought, we both very much knew where we stood and what the next day brought to us. There are some things in life that cannot be testified against the rulebooks of society, principles and values because these are beyond the boundaries defined by “us” humans. There are no rights or wrongs, nobody wins or loses, one just needs to accept, acknowledge and appreciate them in that very form…some relationships are like that, not defined by any rationale but by some greater force.

I boarded my flight back home… alone. It was the longest flight of my life, thoughts wandering in the open skies, sitting there I wondered what the future held in store? What I was leaving behind? Was this it? Were these just showers of a rare passing cloud over a desert? Could I turn back the clock? turn back the flight? Would we meet again?




...meet … we did…yes indeed.

To be continued…
-Sam

Love, pain and the whole damn thing.

I like many of you have always wondered if there exists anything called true love…something not defined by any other word than “love”…not greed…not money…not friendship…not pity…no nothing. Just love, pages from those fairy tales or those countless stories that we have read or those hundreds of movies that we have seen, do any of these exist? And one day I got my answer. I sure did.

It was an evening of a bright summer day, as the sun went down the blue sea of waves, I drove out of my street on my Honda CBZ motorbike, little did I know that… that I would come back a very different man… so here it goes…

It was love at first sight…as clichéd as it might sound yet every word of it is true. The first time I saw her was years back at a pub. There she was, bright as a star in the fading glory of the evening, she was nothing like I had seen before in my life, impeccable. She had this strange kind of beauty going for her, I mean it was not like she was one of those perfect hour glass figures with beauty written all over. But to me she was just perfect, everything about her seemed so very right, the glow, that mischief, that restlessness as if she just wanted to fly open, I don’t know how exactly to describe that sight but it surely was pleasant and something that I wanted all for myself, only for me. One of those moments in life when selfishness is no more a word of taboo but a birth right and you want her by all means and just for yourself.

But there she was, wrapped in a strangers arms and it hurt, seeing her with someone else and not by my side. I guess you would know how it feels, you feel like ripping your heart apart for her to realize what she is worth and what on earth she is doing with a jerk like that. But then life is not always fair is it? It surely was not to me then and the helplessness increased, the frustration grew and every nerve in my body told me to get up, walk down to her table and hold her in my arms!!

I was a guy hopelessly fallen in love with a beauty beyond definition, another couple of neat rounds of the “One eyed Pirate” went down in a flash as though they were water for a man dying of thirst in Kalahari. And as I wiped my lips dry, set my falling hair neat, buttoned my shirt and turned with courage to walk down….what I saw there left me gasping for breath. The tables were cleared, the waiter was picking up the tip and there was no sign of her and nor the bastard who was with her. Where on earth did they go, I frantically looked around like a child searching for his broken one legged favorite Spiderman toy but to no avail. She had left and left behind a guy with life turned upside down.

In an hour of madness a perfectly sane guy had been reduced to a pair of restless eyeballs that just couldn’t stop seeking the light of their lives. I picked myself up, gathered thoughts and told myself if it is to happen it will and believed in the 21st century phrase that “World is shrinking” so you never know.

Months and few years left by, life moved on (as it always does), I moved ahead but deep down that evening remained entrenched in my heart with a fading hope that someday somewhere…

….to be continued.

-Sam

A writer is born

Post the Trivandrum "Recluse" trip i thought its time i start writing...so this is the first step in that direction..a canvas to paint my colors...watch this space for more!